SAY, WHAT IS ALL THE BROUHAHA?

...embarrassing O.o

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:56:27 GMT

I just got back from the CVS on my corner. The blond kid working the cash register comments on my purchase,

"Popov and M&M's, huh?  I think that says something.  I don't know what, but that really says something." I think this is where I'm supposed to nervously laugh, so I do. He can't find the device that removes the security cap, so he continues,

"We only keep these on the best bottles here... Heh... Yeah."

I really can't believe my ears.  There are like eight people in line behind me. I want to die.

He finally gets the fucking thing off, charges me without asking for my ID (I literally JUST turned 21 and could pass for 15), and then goes,

"Did you just get back from the gym?"

"No, I just went for a run," I smile.  Just let me go, you faggot.

"Where, Runyon?" He scoffs (because that's where like eeeveryone in town goes, how uncool).

"Yeah, actually, I did. Goodnight!"

*blows out brains out all over Hollywood Blvd*

Makeover!

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 18:42:10 GMT

I haven't visited my journal in a very, very long time. I'm reading my entries and trying to remember what I must have been talking about or referring to in all of them. So for now, I'm deleting the ones that look like diarrhea, and keeping the couple that still ring true, because I'd like to start using my journal again and want it to feel relevant.

Seeing all this again and all my old communities is a strange sensation. I came here to wallow and pine for my miserable self as I sat at home dying of alcoholism. My life couldn't be more different now, and I've realized that I've been avoiding this place because it stinks of failure and stagnation. But I still need an outlet, I still belong to the best communities in existence, and I do so love seeing all my little userpics.

I feel like poo for abandoning certain people. If you're out there, and you remember me, let's strike things up again :)

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 04:26:23 GMT

If there's one thing I've learned very recently, it's that the human psyche is one of the least reliable things. I know, that sounds very "duh," but this is what I mean... I make a conscious effort not to take anything for granted, but that kind of clashes with my undying optimism in the human race. It's not that I'm gullible, but I'll give someone the benefit of the doubt a thousand times over.

But you can really go crazy in this world. I thought I only knew that because I know I am completely capable of doing so, but fuck. No one is stable. There's always hot primal blood that knows nothing of motive or language, but waits like the dead for that one moment in which it can reclaim its animal at the core of the human and turn everything inside-out.

That has nothing to do with anything. It's just something I realized this morning, thinking about how hard I've been trying to understand the people I love. But then I realized I've got it backward, and would be better off to just love without understanding. Which brings me back to my original point in the end... I allow myself to be naive to the ways of those around me because whatever's going to happen is going to happen, and I think it's more ridiculous when people are surprised when something crazy goes down or when someone they know suddenly loses it. Expect to not expect anything from anyone? I guess so.

Whatever, I'm confused now. Going to my cousins' show at Billy O's... I don't really want to, but I wasn't planning on eating dinner, either, and now I'm going to have to find a way to keep myself up later. And that's how I know I'm shallow! :D

Hay, It's Me!

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 16:28:18 GMT

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 07:35:27 GMT

I love heaters.

They smell funny, and are borderline-uncomfortable, but damn...

My shaky little bones welcome the falsehood of mechanical hot breath.

Next come the Christmas lights... Mmm... Christmas lights, heaters, "Northern Exposure," and bourbon. I might show up at work, but that doesn't mean my mind isn't back at home, drunk, warm, and in bed.

I love you, Winter.

95 Random Facts

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 17:22:01 GMT

1. My right-side nasal passage is visibly wider if you look up my nose. I call it the "express lane."
2. I've become physically involved with a guy at my last two workplaces, just to see if I could get away with it. I only did once.
3. I'm too lazy to make my journal friends-only, but I'm paranoid my boyfriend might find it.
4. I was going to be healthier this weekend. Until my mom brought the tequila home.
5. I have occasional arrhythmia.
6. I often listen to whatever music is at hand, even if I hate it, in order to shut out the cacophony of my family.
7. Lately I've been obsessed with finding the recipe for this pizza I saw on a Barney tape that my little brother used to perpetually watch. It only had things on it that start with the letter "P." Peanut butter, pepperoni, pickles, peppers, pineapple... What else?! I'm going insane!
8. Yesterday I woke up after sleeping for 22 hours, just 'cause I couldn't leave my room and face the sight of my dad eating ice cream and watching TV on the couch all day. Again.
9. This is all the afore-mentioned dad does. Every day.
10. I used to live in Carpinteria until my roomie became hooked on ecstasy and kicked me out while I was at work. She went psycho and put all my stuff on the curb. I worked 12 hour days at the time, so by the time I got back it was all gone.
11. I miss my other roomie terribly, though.
12. I'm a recovered schizophrenic.
13. I lost all my high school friends to crystal meth.
14. I spent all my college money on cocaine.
15. My parents still think I have that $12,000. I constantly lie about this, secretly promising to myself that I will replace it all somehow.
16. Yes, I've had sex with a girl.
17. I suddenly want babies.
18. I'm obsessed with being a homemaker, but I'm also obsessed with ruling the universe. I'll fit them both in, somehow.
19. I make a sweeet omelette.
20. I make sweeet anything. I'm a kick-ass cook. But I never eat any of it.
21. I wax.
22. My backyard is beautiful, but never gets used by anyone but me. We are a family of whitebread middle-class fuckheads who have Mexicans mow our lawn once a week and then never go out into our damn yard.
23. I'm never, ever alone. My dad literally NEVER leaves the house.
24. Listing all this crap is making me feel oddly better/more calm about everything.
25. I listen to a Harry Potter podcast.
26. I only cried when Hedwig died in Book 7. The dead humans can all go get fucked (except maybe Sevvie, mah preshus hero).
27. I write awesome fanfiction for all kinds of things I should be embarrassed about.
28. Like Pokemon. I have four of the games.
29. I'm in LOVE with Spy vs. Spy.
30. I have a Spy vs. Spy tattoo on my left foot.
31. Tattoos feel aaaaawwweeessssooooommmmmeeeee yum.
32. I knit, crochet, sew, bead, quilt, and lots of other old lady things.
33. My ears are gauged to a 00. I find this to be better than 7/16" for my distinctly non-tribal head.
34. I don't want to keep growing up.
35. I love to paint, but I hate living with the finished products, so I always give them away. This is a sure way to start a fight with my mother.
36. I wish I could belong to a secret society.
37. I've decided to start my own secret society, someday when I'm awesome enough to make people mad that they aren't in my secret society.
38. I'm going to be a yamanba for Halloween.
39. I hate the sound of TV.
40. I like my room messy. It's scary and sterile and feels like someone else's when it's clean.
41. I'm a huuuuuge LOTR nerd. I'm going to live in Middle Earth one day. I'm all set; I already have the atlas...
42. I think my newfound sympathy for Britney Spears shows that my feelings are maturing. Lawlz.
43. Another obsession? The British Navy. Yup.
44. I designed my family's bathroom.
45. The bathroom is my safe place. But only for periods under 45 min. Sometimes I eat meals, read books, etc. in the bathroom because it's the one place in which nobody will presume to interrupt me.
46. The things I've done make me sound like a whore, but I'm really a good-hearted person with few morals and a hedonistic nature.
47. I love all humans, even the ones I pretend to hate. They're so silly and cute.
48. I bought a beautiful 9x12 black leatherbound book for my diary and am too intimidated by it to use it.
49. I love all cats except for Mike's. Those are stupid cats.
50. I visit icanhascheezburger a minimum of 3 times a day, then proceed to read all new ones aloud to my mother, who I know is not amused but pretends to be for my sake.
51. All other times, the aforementioned mother ignores me.
52. But that's okay, because 99.9% of her attention goes into keeping my brother alive. He's terminally ill, tube-fed, and in a wheelchair at 14.
53. 14 is the longest anyone has ever lived with his specific mutation of metabolic disorder.
54. He's the happiest person I know, and I don't feel sorry for him.
55. All of my psychologists/psychiatrists have told my parents that I "am doing this" (schizophrenia, EDs, depression, drug addictions, blah blah blah) to get attention because my brother has always been their primary concern.
56. I NEVER seek attention from anyone, least of all my parents. Attention makes me feel angsty, uncomfortable, and falsely obligated to people have no real need to know anything about me.
57. I'm incredibly grateful for my body, for sticking with me through all this bullshit. I've never met a person who would take this much abuse, and so I'd like to be my body's best friend someday.
58. I have a very large forehead and small face.
59. This is the only thing I've been persistently made fun of throughout my life, and yet it's my favorite feature. In medieval times, a maiden's beauty was measured by the span of her forehead, so meh to you.
60. I regret bleaching my hair.
61. My mom tried to convince me that I have ADD and then refused to let me be treated because she was afraid they might prescribe me adderall.
62. I've accidentally channeled a handful of dead people over the last year.
63. I can read auras and prana-auras.
64. I can read past lives.
65. I've been held by angels.
66. I don't give a flying fuck if you don't believe me.
67. I can drink my FACE off.
68. If I smoke pot, no food or other remotely chewable substance is safe from me.
69. There are pictures of me floating around on an enemy's Myspace. They're of me and a guy, at an ecstasy party in my old living room. We're in our underwear, I had done my hair like Marilyn Monroe, and we had just finished painting each other's bodies.
70. I love to sing, even if not everyone loves listening.
71. I've decided to list 95 random facts because 95 lbs. is my next goal weight.
72. I'm having a lot of trouble finding jeans. Everything's too big. Even Guess has failed me.
73. I spent Wednesday jumping on a jumbo trampoline someone had dumped at the old oil pier beach. There's nothing like that, especially at sunset with the waves breaking beneath it, little pieces of seaweed flying from the springs...
74. My mother has always encouraged my ED-related behaviors and weight loss, but doesn't know what it is, really.
75. In 8th grade my best friends started calling me a "holocaust survivor."
76. It makes me happy when my pelvic bones make it too painful for me to sit on the wood floor in our living room.
78. I'm afraid for my life 50% of the time.
79. I enjoy being drunk-dialed.
80. Pro_anorexia bothers me MAINLY because all the intelligent posts don't actually get respones.
81. I'm more inspired at this very moment than I have been in a very long time.
82. I would love to have the energy skateboard again, and suffer the inevitable injuries with a little-kid grin on my face.
83. I've dated the 13th fastest motocross racer in the world. It was the least satisfying relationship I've ever experienced.
84. The parents of everyone my age hate me. They all think I'm a bad influence. I've never done anything to offend them outright, but I suppose I rub people the wrong way.
85. Getting wasted and watching "Northern Exposure" in my room on DVD was like going to church the second-to-last time I kicked a cocaine habit.
86. There's still cocaine particles under the p, l, k, m, and j of my laptop keyboard. I can't get them out. Because if I did, I'd find an excuse to snort them.
87. I would only leave my boyfriend for Daniel Ash.
88. I once house-sat for a very good friend of mine, during which I did cocaine and drank gin for 10 days straight. He would honestly never speak to me again if he knew this.
89. I'm going to be blown away if anyone's gotten this far down the list.
90. I've waited this long to make LJ friends because I'm afraid I won't be there for someone when they need me.
91. I secretly get lost in Enya during my pilates class. I tell everyone else I hate Enya.
92. I have not one... not two... but THREE alter egos!
93. Four of my 12 houses are Gemini. That spells trouble.
94. I've been given a song to write lyrics to, and I can't bring myself to do it, simply because someone else told me to.
95. I have an uncomfortably realistic perception of the future. And not only of my own.

For Mary.

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 17:10:14 GMT

Blue steam rises from our dreamscape asphalt

This bloodorange dawn a phosphorescent flame

Into which last night's lust can then exalt

For it's recycled and turned into rain.

I straddle the highway and witness all

My face is uplifted, I dare not speak

A ghostly morning becomes my prayer shawl

A roaring silence collides with wet cheeks.

I'm worth a thousand years of redemption

The Virgin siphons the tears from my eyes

Nine planets held in liquid suspension,

I stand transfixed as my rainclouds arise.

A thousand miles away, your hand finds mine

Lays our heads to rest in a pool of lime.